When You're Lost In The Darkness (An alternate ending to The Last of Us)

 

Joel sat motionless, his head still throbbing from the concussion.

His vision was blurry and his, already partially deaf ear, rang as loudly as his good ear.

Marlene’s words were incomprehensible. She was undoubtedly speaking clearly and with focused intent, as she implored him to listen to reason.

That her voice was just some distant drone didn’t really matter. Ultimately he knew that she was right.

He’d grown so close to Ellie on their treacherous journey. The danger that they had experienced and confronted together was beyond anything most could even imagine, let alone survive, relatively unscathed, physically at least.
Emotionally, old wounds had been re-opened and fresh scar tissue throbbed in the deepest part of his psyche.

Ellie.

Ellie had changed. She had grown and evolved, both into a young woman, too soon, and in ways no child, adult, or human should ever have to find strength or solace in.

Joel stood and Marlene stopped speaking, the gruff-looking guards to the left and right of her gripped and lifted their weapons.

Smiling and slowly lifting his hand, he gestured to them to lower their guns, offering no threat to them. The thing he had to destroy was something far more innocent and far more precious.

He started to speak but had to clear his throat, choking back the beginnings of the emotions burning up inside him.

“We…we have to wake her and tell her.”.

He had to stop himself.

Marlene’s eyes were wide in disbelief, shock, and relief.

She stood, staring, tears welling in her eyes, teetering and about to spill.

Firstly she couldn’t believe that Joel had agreed but ultimately she could barely comprehend what that actually meant. Sure she’d hoped for it but she had expected a fight. Maybe shouting, physical fighting or even, knowing what Joel was capable of, a knife fight or a gunfight, possibly even a massacre.

Joel looked at her. Marlene couldn’t see or hear the memory that was playing in his head right now.

The images of the soldier in front of him and Sarah, the repeated echoing of “Yes Sir” and then they weighted pause before the final affirmation, sealing their doom as the soldier blindly, and against his own instincts, obeyed the order.

He’d had to fight this memory ever since, every day, every night, every moment.

He had plenty of memories of Sarah. Beautiful memories of his loving, caring, stubborn, and oftentimes cheeky daughter.

But this one truly haunted him.

He’d sobbed holding her bloody and torn, still warm but lifeless body.

But it was that moment, that insidious and cruel moment, made by someone absent, abstract, and vacant…that was the moment that truly haunted him. That was what made him feel so helpless and so powerless.

He was never going to let that happen again.

He also knew, beyond any shadow of a doubt, her very soul born out of compassion and kindness, that had this been Sarah in Ellie’s place, it was what she would have wanted.

He looked at Marlene, he took in her confusion and her sense of loss, he was very familiar with the feelings.

He knew that by saying yes she had to accept what they were about to do.

But he wouldn’t ever be out of control again and for sure as hell wasn’t going to betray Ellie.

“Marlene, we have to wake Ellie!”

Marlene snapped back into the room.

He continued.

“We…I have to tell her.”

She thought about challenging him. She was completely unaware of their experiences and conversations and how they had bonded and how Ellie herself had stated that “…this can’t be for nothing.”.

So her decision not to challenge him was based purely on her knowledge of Joel, how he thought, and what he would do.

“Yes Joel, I’ll take you to her now.”

The guards were visibly relaxed at Marlene’s subtle cues.

They walked through corridors and Joel took in every corner, flight of stairs, lift access, fire escape, medical staff, and Firefly.

It would have been almost impossible but with the right tactics, timing, and patience he could have rescued Ellie, even if he’d ultimately sacrificed himself, he would have gotten her out first.

He didn’t want to not do that because of a sense of survival, ego or even just simply wanting to live.

He didn’t want to live. He hadn’t wanted to since Sarah.

He’d survived and failed to take his own life, he hated himself for that, instinct making him such a fucking coward.

Ellie had given him something to live for…but now with this decision, when it was done, he had decided that he would go and finish the job.

The hallways were still clinical looking and some had that familiar and sanitized smell, while others didn’t.

Medical staff were few and far between, especially when compared with guards and their guns.

They reached a door at the end of a hallway and Marlene stopped and turned to look at him.

Her eyes were still glassy as she fought back tears.

“I thought you were going to attack at some point. No, with every step that I took I hoped, pleaded with you to attack, so that we wouldn’t have to go through with this, like this.

He looked at her with an intensity that she could feel in her blood and bones…maybe even her soul, if she even had one anymore.

“Fuck! Marlene, we…”

Hastily, she cut him off with her acknowledgment.

“I know Joel. I know. We have to.”

She simultaneously leaned into the door and pushed it open.

Joel followed closely behind as they entered the scrub room.

He could see the surgeon and nurses through the windows and again he choked, fighting back a tsunami of emotion.

The scrub room not being particularly sanitized was a passing thought. Taking in all the details was both a gift and a curse. He knew it wasn’t of a high standard but he also knew the world they now lived in.

This was something he had to do. So as not to lose control.

He stepped and pushed ahead of Marlene and opened the door to the OR.

The surgeon stepped forward and while shaking in his body and in his voice, he began to speak.

“What are you doing here?… The lives we’ll save…don’t come any closer…”

Barking back at him, Joel commanded.

“Wake her!”

The surgeon glimpsed over Joel’s shoulder and saw Marlene, she tentatively spoke.

“It’s okay, wake her.”

Stammering the doctor tried to protest.

“S,s, she’s prepped for…”

“Fucking wake her!” Joel roared.

Collecting himself.

“I know how anesthetics work…drugs, up and down, a skill, a science, maybe a fucking art form. Wake her…there will be no art here today.”

The surgeon gestured to the nurses and they all surrounded Ellie. Turning off IVs preparing, new ones, and looking at each other, trying to make sense of their situation, as if this world made any sense, anymore.

He’d been so focused on the situation unfolding in front of him, and with his deaf ear, he hadn’t heard Marlene get so close behind him.

“We really going to do it like this, Joel?”

“No!”

Joel’s snapped around as he replied.

“I’m going to do it like this.”

A whimpering voice interrupted them.

“She’s coming around but I’m not sure how lucid she’s going…”

Joel rushed over to her bedside and took her hand.

“Hey Ellie, it’s me.”

He squeezed her hand and waited for her eyes to focus.

With her eyes still struggling to make a coherent vision Ellie was quick to reply.

“What the fuck Joel?! Where are we, what happened?.”

“Baby girl, we made it, we’re at the hospital.”

Joel squeezed her hand a little tighter.

“Joel, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, nothing at all, it’s all and more than you imagined…you’re the cure…I mean, they can make a cure from you.”

There was a weight in the room, Ellie and Joel could feel it, and they knew it well and how to carry it. The doctors and nurses had no idea, it was crushing them.

“Baby girl, it can’t all be for nothing, right?”

Ellie’s eyes opened more than coming off of anaesthetic should allow.

“Joel, what? What?”

Taking in a deep breath, Joel tried to be calm and firm.

“You are the cure baby girl, but it’s going to kill you.”

Ellie instantly fought against her restraints.

Of course, the Fireflies restrained everyone but she was under anaesthetic.

“Joel! Fuck no, I wanna live!

Get me outta here, Joel, we can make it.”

Joel had to let go of her hand for fear of breaking it.

He put it on the pillow, over her head.

“Baby girl, you’re going to save everyone. That’s who you are. That’s your gift.”

He continued, his voice slightly shaking.

“Thi, this can’t be for noth…nothing.

That’s what you said.”

Ellie’s eyes were wide and alive.

“Joel, no!

I want to live!”

Joel put one arm behind Ellie’s head in an effort to comfort her but at the same time put his other arm across her chest to restrain her.

“Baby girl.”

Joel took the deepest breath he’d ever taken.

“Baby girl, this is how we save everyone. Not me, not you, everyone!”

Ellie immediately retorted, full of venom.

“Fuck you Joel, fuck you!

Fuck them all!

I want to live.”

Joel relaxed his hold on her.

He could barely contain his emotions, the feeling to want to destroy everyone around him, the doctors and nurses, all the fireflies. Everyone, just to save Ellie and himself.

He put his arm back over her chest and forcefully held her down.

“No Ellie, this is why we are here. This is what you said. “It can’t be for nothing.”

Ellie gasped at the pressure on her lungs and at Joel’s words, she screamed…

“Joel!!”

Joel held her down.

He could feel her wrath.

He could feel his own.

He could feel her warmth.

He could feel his own.

“Put her under.”

The nurses and doctor hesitated.

“Put her under, fucking now!”

They all rushed to restart the IVs.

Joel still held her and pressed down onto her.

“Ellie, you’re going to save everyone. I’m sorry. Forgive me.”

Ellie finally gave up the struggle, partly due to the drugs once again coursing through her veins but also because now, she was broken.

Her spirit, her mind, her heart. All broken.

Joel stood over her, tears forming in his eyes as tears formed in hers. As Ellie’s tears flowed down her cheeks, Joel's tears fell from his face and mixed with hers, forming a metaphorical and literal river of tragedy.

Her young and fragile body went limp and her eyes closed for the final time as unconsciousness took hold of her.

She was now somewhere in that limbo between life and death and traveling in one certain and terminal direction.

He stayed, relaxing the pressure he had put on her but not moving. In meditation, in loss, in betrayal, and in grief.

The room was silent save for the beeping of the machines.

Minutes passed like this until finally he stood, wiped away his tears, and cleared his throat.

He looked at Marlene. His eyes were haunted by death, not just Ellie’s or his inevitable own but by the entire magnitude and all-encompassing conclusion for everyone, death.

“Give me a handgun.”

Marlene, failing to fight back the tears, sobbed.

“No Joel…you’re too emotional and too dangerous.”

Moving swiftly and decisively he slammed Marlene against the wall, and Joel whispered in her ear.

“I'll show you fucking dangerous.”

Marlene gestured to one of the guards to give Joel his pistol.

Joel took it and pointed the gun at Marlene.

He dropped his aim and then shot the guard.

He had to put his rage somewhere in an instant and the guard was just in the wrong place and at the wrong time.

He looked back at Marlene as the guard's body thudded to the floor and Joel growled,

“This is for me.”

Joel turned and left the OR, he walked down the corridors, past all of the guards and staff. acknowledging no one, and headed straight to the exit.

His exit.